Meet Kim

On July 30, 2015 I was driving around aimlessly in the middle of the night trying to determine whether my life was worth living. Although I was a Christian since early childhood, I let the world dictate my identity, instead of leaning in to who God says I am. At the age of 14, I took on the identity of ‘not good enough’, and in the 8 years to follow I jumped from one relationship to another trying to feel loved, wanted, and chosen by boys that did not have my best interests in mind, but their own. I used sex as a way to keep boyfriends around longer, found ‘the one I was going to marry’ at least 6 times, and wore out my friends and family as I ‘fell in love’ with someone new multiple times a year. All I wanted was a relationship status that showed others I was desired - whether that relationship was good or not. I had been serving in the church for years, preaching to kids about how God loves them and to find their worth in Him, but still sought affirmation from men. In 2015, after losing 3 very beloved family members in a few short years time, and being left or cheated on by every guy I thought loved me since the beginning of high school, I started to spiral out of control. I was fighting for a toxic relationship that was hurting the both of us, seeing a counselor for depression and anxiety, isolating from friends and family, running away from the church and into the comfort of the only 3 places that saw me for months: My home, crossfit box and the closest Chick Fil A. On a Thursday night in July, I finally hit my rock bottom. My world came crumbling down as the relationship came to a screeching halt, and I felt as though there was nothing left to live for. I decided to take my life in to my own hands when I ran my car off of a road, twice, and found myself stuck after hitting a huge tree. Jesus saved me that night, and although my car was practically totaled, I was more alive than I cared to be. Stuck on the side of a dark back road at 2am, I realized my life needed to change. I couldn’t keep living this way, or one day it would fatal. One of my favorite books in the Old Testament is Hosea; particularly how Gomer and Israel, like me, kept running and coming back, running and coming back. In Chapter 2, verse 6, the Lord says “Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.” This is exactly how he stopped me, by walling me in with branches and trees so that I couldn’t keep going down the path that would soon lead to death. 

Within the next month I had decided to Be All in with God and His will for me. I finished the membership process at Watermark, which I had been attending off and on for the past couple of years. I jumped in to serve in K1 Race with little 1st graders, joined a Community group and signed up for the first Young Adult Trip to Haiti. I changed everything to run away from my old life, but I hadn’t healed yet. I was just pushing it all down and ignoring it. While sitting at lunch with a friend explaining why I don’t need regen, I talked myself into why I did, and I went the following Monday night. Big group made me nervous, and I was shocked at how open the man was on stage who was giving his testimony.. I remember thinking “I would never do that” haha. How ironic. But I was encouraged excited to come back. After 4 months of groundwork and another short failed relationship later, I was finally placed in to a step group, with some amazing women. During steps 1 and 2 I  went through the motions. I had been a believer since I was 7, I this was nothing new. But in step 3, Trust, one of my leaders came to group and said that sometimes she has to really think and ask herself “I know and believe these things to be true, but am I living my life really trusting that they are?” That was a game changer for me, and changed how I participated in re:gen. For years I had known the truth of the gospel, taught it, and lived it on the outside, but never truly let it change my heart. Step 4, Inventory, is where I realized the sacrifice that was made on the cross over 2000 years ago. Writing out all of the hurts and pain I had been holding on to for so many years, along with the pain I had caused others and my sexual inventory - I broke down. Daily, I fell short of the requirement of perfection to enter in to an eternal relationship with God. All of these things that I felt defined my life and who I was - Jesus paid the ultimate price of death and washed them all away, giving me a new identity. Fully surrendered, I rededicated my life to the Lord. He told me I am loved, chosen, and wonderfully made. Everything I was searching for in other men, I found in the One who created me, whose love has no bounds. For the first time, I believed in who God says I am and took on the identity of “Daughter of the King”. I did not have to keep living the way I had been. I have a New Life, and I am His. 

To continue on in the story of Hosea, after taking away everything God says he is going to pull her aside to the wilderness where he can speak tenderly to her (referencing Israel), and in verse 15 He says “There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.” The Valley of Achor is known as a ‘place of trouble’. Through the rest of the steps, especially post graduation and living the steps daily, God has used my deepest pain for the greatest hope I have ever had. Hope that no matter what I face in this life, I will never be alone. Hope that not only can He pull me out of the trenches, but He can and will pull others out too. Hope that no one is ever too far to come home. I definitely don’t have it all together though. Life is better, but it is still hard. I still go through the motions of believing but not feeling who I really am from time to time. I struggle more with fear, anxiety and bitterness than I like to admit. But I can hear God’s voice clearer than ever before. He has given me life, hope, joy and peace like I have never known until now. He has shown me that life is sweeter when I choose to follow Him and His path instead of trying to please those around me, even when it is not the ‘popular’ route to take. Since stepping into a leadership role and going back through the curriculum again, the Lord has changed my heart even more. He has shown me that no one is excluded from His love. All men and women are His children and He has given me a heart to reach out to those that are nothing like me on the outside, but so much like me on the inside. Broken, hurting, and looking for a way to freedom; seeking a peace that only he can give. God has opened my heart to love on everyone from the drug addict fresh off the street, to the one who has followed Jesus their entire life. For the first time since I was 14, I am joyful in my singleness and absolutely content if he calls me to it the rest of my days on this Earth. Instead of seeking out a man to date and work hard to convince him to choose me, I seek a relationship with the One who chose me before time began. Instead of wondering if this life is worth living, I trust in the One who said my life was worth dying for. I know that trials are ahead, but I have an everlasting hope in the Lord who saved me from my darkest days. 

If you only get one thing from my story I hope it is this: You are never too far gone. No matter who you are, what you have done, or where you have been - You are being pursued by a Heavenly Father that loves you more than you can comprehend. I know that, because you are reading this. You are loved. And you are His. 

Resources:

re:generation: regenerationrecovery.org

Suicide Prevention Lifeline:  1.800.273.8255